Why Today's Movie Vampires Can Suck It ~ Beat By The Nudge- No, You're Dumb!

1/26/10

Why Today's Movie Vampires Can Suck It

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posted by bbtn's newest and best smelling staff member, Sweet Dee

Today's Hollywood vampire is a joke. Dracula is rolling over in his tomb right now.

First and foremost, this "Twilight Saga" as they've deemed it, is ridiculous. The movie franchise stars Robert Pattinson, a British model turned actor, whose American speech is more uncomfortable to listen to than your grandparents having sex. The pretty boy is accompanied by a pretty girl, Kristen Stewart, who I don't have much bad to say about. She's attractive enough, but it seems like she's typecast for obsessive and neurotic roles. (Should be a nice change of pace to see her as Joan Jett soon.)

Anyway, the vampires in Twilight are total fags. They refrain from exposure to sunlight, not because their skin will burn, but because it will sparkle. Yes, sparkle. They only feed on animals, not humans, because they don't want to be monsters. Are you kidding me? And to top it all off, the movies are based on books that might as well have been written by a 13-year-old. Stephanie Meyer, filthy rich author extraordinaire, apparently knows no descriptive words other than "irresistible," "perfect," and "angelic." How many times do we need to hear Bella swoon over Edward? Put a sock in it. Wait, actually, that would make a pretty decent drinking game...

The vampire bite spread to TV, too. The Vampire Diaries aired on CW, the teenage girl's haven for two-bit dramadies. It was not as successful as its predecessor True Blood. Showtime's original series gained a lot more attention and possibly even respect for it's ability to mesh the pre-pubescent idea of humans falling in love with vampires, while also adding more adult storylines and even some sex scenes. But the shows and movies of today are leaving the image of vampires far too candy-coated.

Real vampires did exist in Hollywood once. The classic and most famous is, of course, Dracula, who wouldn't you know it, was a monster that wanted to suck your blood. From Dracula's time until recently, vampires have been feared and revered in a ton of movies. However, there have been a few cool updates to the vampire image before it turned completely lame. Movies like Underworld and The Lost Boys make being a vampire look badass, while Interview With A Vampire makes them look more serious and complex.

But pop culture nowadays is turning these creatures into abstract, way off fantasy versions and ignoring what they really are. And I think it's high time people stop buying into it. So tell your girlfriends, sisters, pretty much any girl you know, that the Edward Cullen they dream of isn't real and they need to get over it. No more wasted brain cells on boy-vampire-meets-human-girl love story nonsense. We demand the return of the blood-thirsty, night-abiding, chill-down-your-spine, eerie but awesome vampires. Suck on that.

Stay classy,
Sweet Dee

P.S. – Recognize the name I’m using? Congrats. You have good taste in television programming.